The Weekly Winkerbean

so, um, assuming anyone reads this blog, which I have no reason to believe anyone does other than a more drunk version of me (when I can often trick myself into believing all sorts of delusions, including that I have interesting things to say) I promise I'll update more frequently once Heritage dies down. Or once I stop being called a bully by anonymous posters on our newspaper's Web site. The only thing I can be accused of being a bully towards is Funky Winkerbean, who I would gladly pummel into a puddle of unfunniness if I ever saw him on the school bus. If I could. These lean vegetarian arms aren't good for much, you know.

Mooch slips by the school system's post-Columbine zero tolerance policy

Can't follow all the action and plot twists every day in "Funky Winkerbean?" We read it, so you don't have to.

Friends sitting at a bar eat pizza and inform Darin that his marriage, which is entering its sixth year, is becoming way too serious for their liking. Mooch has somehow upset someone with the power to not only ban him from MySpace, but also cyberspace as a whole and any hypothetical universes that may or may not exist. This is due to Mooch's record of arson, for which he has no regret.

Mooch goes on to admit he has commitment issues, except for his desire to move in with Darin in a same-sex partnership that may be legal sometime after he turns 90. At this point, a flannel shirt will be used as a drool rag, his friends inform him.

Pete then asks the friends to follow through with their earlier commitment to help him move comic books, which none of them care to do, even though they were just fatted with pizza and beer. Mooch enacts sweet revenge on his alleged friend by stealing from his prized collection. Apparently, all this time Pete has had on his hands a tremendously valuable first issue of "The Amazing Spider-Man." This is later revealed to be a filthy lie.

On Sunday, due to what can only be assumed are the magical properties of a girls' championship trophy that just arrived somewhere unrelated to the storage unit Pete, Mooch and Darin were in, Superman and Supergirl appear. It is reveled Superman is kind of a sexist jerk, and ironically looks like Stan Lee of Marvel Comics.

The Weekly Winkerbean

It's not my turn to do the Weekly Winkerbean recap this week, but I wrote one anyway, because my rage towards the Wink is just that powerful that I would go out of my way to try to be ironic about it.



Newspaper misspellings will kill you faster than heart disease

March 24-30
Our new loyal pizza parlor employees is tasked with closing shop for the night. He speaks aloud to himself about how this will be a good learning experience. We learn that this business serves a product that causes severe heart disease, the leading cause of death in the United States.
A newspaper article about a robbery at the pizza restaurant was framed and posted on the wall. The protagonist decides that the crime of misspelling the restaurant’s name in the newspaper is on par — or perhaps worse than — the actual robbery that occurred. An old Space Invaders machine is discovered in the basement. It runs on quarters, and playing it requires existence on a temporal plane, our character reminds us.
He then has a hallucination of generations of young people eating pizza, only to realize he is actually still just alone with his thoughts. He reminisces about a mural on the wall that depicts Europe. The mural’s artist was required to paint on the wall and fill space, as artists often do.
This character still has coats that smell like salted meats thanks to that time he lived above the restaurant. On Sunday, there’s a dance party at which no one speaks. It is unclear if this dance party is a hallucination caused by heart medication.

The Weekly Winkerbean

A new feature, through which to unleash my rage at the so-called comic strip known as "Funky Winkerbean." The strip is the epicenter of my anger on a daily basis, yet it continues to appear unironically in our newspaper. So we decided to make it ironic.


Funky is an oppressive and shrewd taskmaster
March 17-23: recap

Funky wants to hire an employee for his pizza parlor, but needs one who will log the requisite number of hours that constitute a workday. Disbelief is expressed that someone would want a weekend off. It is revealed Funky is a workaholic. A man resembling Harvey Fierstein destroys the want ad before expressing interest in the job.
Harvey Fierstein explains the money he would earn at this pizzeria is the difference between his daughter — who is already sleeping around — going to college or becoming a street trash. While he is not a poor teaacher, the man explains, he is a poor teacher (actual dialogue).
The two shake hands on the matter and agree to remain friends, despite overwhelming evidence that working together ruins friendships. Later, they begin their business partnership by looking for Funky’s glasses, which he has comically misplaced.