Rejected list: Words that Have Been Edited Out of My Stories

This is actually my first ever submission and subsequent rejection to McSweeney's, dating way back to ye olden January aught seven. I've been meaning to post this for awhile, seeing as this blog is nothing else if not a compendium failure:

Words That Have Been Edited Out of My News Stories Because, Even
Though The Average Age of Our Readership is 60, Journalists Must Write
at a Sixth Grade Level, and Other Reasons the Newspaper Industry Is In
Decline

Shrapnel
Sacrosanct
Anathema
Beastly
Tantamount


Words that Have Inexplicably Not Been Edited Out of My Stories
Douchebaggery
Fiduciary solvency
Kraken

Justifications for Avoiding Going into the Newsroom

(Oct. 9 edition)

• Construction at or near my desk, designed to hide death spasms of newspaper with cosmetic improvements
• "Married With Children" marathon on Spike I was able to watch during lunch hour
• Gas prices? Sure, probably
• Need to visit Hilton Head's only "adult" store for work purposes upon opening at 3 p.m.
• The unbearable horror of refrigerator clean out day, and other corporate nonsense that make me never want to work in an office again


Here's a list I made today, based on true events.

Responsibilities of an HR Director, As Divined Through Our Company E-Mails

• Announce refrigerator clean out
• Warn of items that will be removed during refrigerator clean out
• Decide on date for second notice of refrigerator clean out
• Announce general work space clean out
• Post fliers in hallways announcing general work space clean out
• Consult on locations for bins during work space clean out
• Cut health insurance benefits
• Consult Euphemism Dictionary for words to replace "drastic care reduction," "triplicate cost increase," and "no raises this year"
• Inspect refrigerator post-clean out
• Procurement of flu shot reservations from interested staff members
• Ensure that every time sheet is filled out each pay period
• Denote members of the staff who have failed to fill out their time sheet each pay period
• Organize charity function that costs more than the money that will be raised
• Post fliers announcing upcoming charity function

Rejected McSweeneys Submission

Rejection No. 5. The rejection e-mails are always pleasant, at least.

NSFW

-Executive ball clicker filled with C4
-Herman Miller Aeron Chair covered in broken glass
-Coldcut platter found in Dumpster behind A&P
-"World's Best Boss" mug previously used for ingesting liquid LSD
-Bring Your Smallpox to Work Day
-Anthrax-coated Krispy Kreme doughnuts
-Paper shredder possessed by soul of executed serial killer
-Water cooler filled with Africanized Honey Bees
-YouTube video of HR director on spring break

Rejected list: The Elements of Doggystyle

This list was I think my fourth rejection from McSweeney's, and probably with due cause. But that means I can publish them here, and really, what is the point of a blog other than to give space to the inane ramblings no one else will publish?

CURRENT TOPICS OF DISCUSSION ON MY NEWSPAPER’S COPY DESK

My dog
Your dog
Ways my dog is different from your dog
Ways my dog and your dog would act if they were in the same room together
Things my dog did that I told her not to
Things my dog ate that I could not identify
The stray dog I found under the stairs the other day, and your interest level in its cuteness
Businesses in which to purchase dog accessories you were previously unaware existed
Discourse on the ethical ramifications of spraying Febreze on your dog
Ways that anecdote about your dog is the cutest damn thing I’ve ever heard
Amateur assessment of flaws in the Westminster dog show judging process
Positioning of dog pictures on desk
Moral and financial valuation of bidding at upcoming shelter puppy auction
Strunk and White’s The Elements of Doggy Style

All based on true events. True events that happened in the span of a single day.