Rejected list: The Elements of Doggystyle

This list was I think my fourth rejection from McSweeney's, and probably with due cause. But that means I can publish them here, and really, what is the point of a blog other than to give space to the inane ramblings no one else will publish?

CURRENT TOPICS OF DISCUSSION ON MY NEWSPAPER’S COPY DESK

My dog
Your dog
Ways my dog is different from your dog
Ways my dog and your dog would act if they were in the same room together
Things my dog did that I told her not to
Things my dog ate that I could not identify
The stray dog I found under the stairs the other day, and your interest level in its cuteness
Businesses in which to purchase dog accessories you were previously unaware existed
Discourse on the ethical ramifications of spraying Febreze on your dog
Ways that anecdote about your dog is the cutest damn thing I’ve ever heard
Amateur assessment of flaws in the Westminster dog show judging process
Positioning of dog pictures on desk
Moral and financial valuation of bidding at upcoming shelter puppy auction
Strunk and White’s The Elements of Doggy Style

All based on true events. True events that happened in the span of a single day.