The Weekly Winkerbean

It's not my turn to do the Weekly Winkerbean recap this week, but I wrote one anyway, because my rage towards the Wink is just that powerful that I would go out of my way to try to be ironic about it.



Newspaper misspellings will kill you faster than heart disease

March 24-30
Our new loyal pizza parlor employees is tasked with closing shop for the night. He speaks aloud to himself about how this will be a good learning experience. We learn that this business serves a product that causes severe heart disease, the leading cause of death in the United States.
A newspaper article about a robbery at the pizza restaurant was framed and posted on the wall. The protagonist decides that the crime of misspelling the restaurant’s name in the newspaper is on par — or perhaps worse than — the actual robbery that occurred. An old Space Invaders machine is discovered in the basement. It runs on quarters, and playing it requires existence on a temporal plane, our character reminds us.
He then has a hallucination of generations of young people eating pizza, only to realize he is actually still just alone with his thoughts. He reminisces about a mural on the wall that depicts Europe. The mural’s artist was required to paint on the wall and fill space, as artists often do.
This character still has coats that smell like salted meats thanks to that time he lived above the restaurant. On Sunday, there’s a dance party at which no one speaks. It is unclear if this dance party is a hallucination caused by heart medication.

The Weekly Winkerbean

A new feature, through which to unleash my rage at the so-called comic strip known as "Funky Winkerbean." The strip is the epicenter of my anger on a daily basis, yet it continues to appear unironically in our newspaper. So we decided to make it ironic.


Funky is an oppressive and shrewd taskmaster
March 17-23: recap

Funky wants to hire an employee for his pizza parlor, but needs one who will log the requisite number of hours that constitute a workday. Disbelief is expressed that someone would want a weekend off. It is revealed Funky is a workaholic. A man resembling Harvey Fierstein destroys the want ad before expressing interest in the job.
Harvey Fierstein explains the money he would earn at this pizzeria is the difference between his daughter — who is already sleeping around — going to college or becoming a street trash. While he is not a poor teaacher, the man explains, he is a poor teacher (actual dialogue).
The two shake hands on the matter and agree to remain friends, despite overwhelming evidence that working together ruins friendships. Later, they begin their business partnership by looking for Funky’s glasses, which he has comically misplaced.