The Weekly Winkerbean

so, um, assuming anyone reads this blog, which I have no reason to believe anyone does other than a more drunk version of me (when I can often trick myself into believing all sorts of delusions, including that I have interesting things to say) I promise I'll update more frequently once Heritage dies down. Or once I stop being called a bully by anonymous posters on our newspaper's Web site. The only thing I can be accused of being a bully towards is Funky Winkerbean, who I would gladly pummel into a puddle of unfunniness if I ever saw him on the school bus. If I could. These lean vegetarian arms aren't good for much, you know.

Mooch slips by the school system's post-Columbine zero tolerance policy

Can't follow all the action and plot twists every day in "Funky Winkerbean?" We read it, so you don't have to.

Friends sitting at a bar eat pizza and inform Darin that his marriage, which is entering its sixth year, is becoming way too serious for their liking. Mooch has somehow upset someone with the power to not only ban him from MySpace, but also cyberspace as a whole and any hypothetical universes that may or may not exist. This is due to Mooch's record of arson, for which he has no regret.

Mooch goes on to admit he has commitment issues, except for his desire to move in with Darin in a same-sex partnership that may be legal sometime after he turns 90. At this point, a flannel shirt will be used as a drool rag, his friends inform him.

Pete then asks the friends to follow through with their earlier commitment to help him move comic books, which none of them care to do, even though they were just fatted with pizza and beer. Mooch enacts sweet revenge on his alleged friend by stealing from his prized collection. Apparently, all this time Pete has had on his hands a tremendously valuable first issue of "The Amazing Spider-Man." This is later revealed to be a filthy lie.

On Sunday, due to what can only be assumed are the magical properties of a girls' championship trophy that just arrived somewhere unrelated to the storage unit Pete, Mooch and Darin were in, Superman and Supergirl appear. It is reveled Superman is kind of a sexist jerk, and ironically looks like Stan Lee of Marvel Comics.