The floating hall of Doom has a landline

Here's an odd phenomenon: when Fox News calls you, as they have us about 347 times in the past week, their number comes up "Unkown" on your cell phone. I confirmed this with another reporter who also was the object of a Fox News crush this week. This does not occur when CNN or MSNBC or Good Morning America calls you, who are happy to let their Atlanta or New York numbers appear on the little caller id window and say "hi, it's me, your friendly big brother media from the city, calling to wish you good times and happy thoughts."

Not Fox News. This leads to all sorts of speculation about where in the hell Fox News is actually based. My friend Pete (not pictured here) says it's because when you *69 the number it rings through to Hitler's bunker. I assume it just rings through to a lavish basement office in the White House (for the past seven years, at least). There's a secret tunnel leading out through the Ellipse (if you've seen the movie "Dave," as you should, you know where it is) that they can rush out of to chase after missing white people or to find out just how much more Muslim Barack Obama is this week. The answer: very Muslim. I mean, he lived in Indonesia people. They've only got too things in Indonesia: steers and Muslims. Coincidentally, 13 percent of voters also believe Obama is a figment of Oprah's imagination and that his foreign policy experience is limited to his denouncement of Senator Palpatine's consolidation of power.

Where Fox is truly located, we may never know, though odds are the words "floating," "hall" and "doom" are involved somehow.

But why all the secrecy? It's not like they're doing anything behind those doors where anonymity would be a benefit. Oh wait.

Teevee debut: I Am Wolf Blitzer's Mustache

Taking off from the previous post about teevee news reporters and their proclivity to interview newspaper writers, I got a call from Fox News (known for their thoughtful, sensitive and in no way over-the-top coverage of missing persons, tragedies and other events) over the weekend asking to do an interview about the big missing white people story that we've been all over down here. I agreed, despite any hesitations I may have about the visual and verbal histrionics Fox often wraps its stories in. I figure it's good to get the paper's name out there at least, and maybe some sympathetic and doting millionaire will see our name and decide to invest unrestricted fortunes into improving and expanding our paper.

It lasted all of about three minutes (which I'm glad I didn't have to drive down to the Savannah TV station for) and went fine, besides the fact that they inexplicably labeled me "head reporter" when I'm actually the reporter whose probably contributed least to this story out of everyone who's been working on it. The promotion by Fox comes with no pay raise, I was informed by editors afterwards.

I made the mistake of hinting at some of the rumors circulating about the disappearance, none of which are substantiated and any of which could just as likely be the product of the vicious rumor mill this town seems to foster. Just ask the illegal immigrants living on the BI-LO roof. Or find Oprah's estate and ask her.

Of course, the Fox anchor started frothing at the beak at the mention of seedy rumors, especially when the blockbuster hint at financial malfeasance starting visions of sugarplums dancing in Fox's head. I had to back up away from the rumor talk so John and Jane Q. Average Viewer didn't walk away with the idea that we were casting aspersions that the two missing people were embezzling masterminds.

CNN called at about 5:45 p.m. today, which went similarly except I tried to shy away from mentioning the rumor part. I was hoping they would put me through to Wolf Blitzer so I could tell him about the overstock of 45 flat screen TVs I have lying around that he may want to purchase. But they put me through instead to Headline News, which is the Spark Notes version of CNN.

What does all this mean? I can now have an IMDB page! Hazzah! Oh, wait, I already have one.